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Talent Show/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots, glass shatters ] harold: The excitement is about to begin, so get ready to be excited because -- well, it's gonna happen. That much I know for sure, so... Because, believe me you, I know excitement. Here he is, the world's greatest uncle! Well, okay, well, as far as I know, anyway. I mean, as an employer, he's always compared, but... Anyway, here's the star of "the red green show" -- mr. Red green! Thank you, harold. Uh, hello, thank you, and welcome to the show, and a very special hello to all the security guards out there who've chosen to watch us rather than the lobby monitor. And, hey, should have been up at the lodge here last night. We had a little talent show -- you know, just a bunch of us. Uh, stinky peterson went first, actually. What he did was he swallowed air for about 12 or 13 minutes, and then he turned around and belched "macarthur park." it seems fabulous now, but we were kind of afraid to ask for an encore. Actually, harold and I here even did a little -- oh, I'm sorry. I haven't introduced harold. Harold, come on in here a sec. Harold is producer, director, and announcer of the show, plus, we're helping him get through puberty in case he loses the map or anything, you know. And don't forget this. [ keys clacking ] [ laughs ] I do all the special effects. Yeah, harold, I was just telling them about the talent show. Yes, I was just reliving those moments myself. You know, and it gave me the motivation and opportunity to cue up the next segment. So, uncle red, why don't we just skip right on over to that? And then we can come back to you dredging up the past later. You know, I mean, if there's time. Well, harold, I wanted to kind of continue with what I was saying. Oh, boy. Uncle red, I wish you'd told me that. Oh, I -- oh, jeepers, I'm sorry. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ there's a funny little ditty ♪ [ whistles ] ♪ it's called "the humming song" ♪ [ whistles ] ♪ "the humming song" is pretty ♪ [ whistles ] but I don't know it. This week on, uh, "handyman corner," I'm gonna be talking about vcrs, which stands for, uh... Ah, that doesn't matter. Before I purchased this unit, uh, I read all the magazines about it, and I spoke to the production personnel here at "the red green show," and, uh, they advised me to get one of these beta units. And, uh, even the salesman at the store said, "boy, they don't make them like this anymore." so, I don't know about you, but whenever I get a new car or a lawn mower or what have you, I like to just take it apart, check it out myself, kind of tune it up for my own particular requirements, and I'm gonna do the same with my beta unit here, especially since my "rambo" tape is jammed in there. I can't seem to get it out. So I've just got one more screw to pop off here. [ drill whirring ] okay. Ah. It's set for screwing in, which doesn't help. Anyway, this should pop off of here now. All right, okay. Uh, let's see what we got here. [ sniffs ] yeah, oh, yeah. Well, I think, uh... I think that there is a wire. And this seems to be some type of a plastic. And I guess to get the actual cassette out, I'm gonna need to, uh... [ muttering ] all right, um... There seems to be some sort of a malfunction here, and I think the only way to get the cassette out is to cut it out, and, uh... I think I have the perfect tool for that. [ chain saw buzzing ] so, uh... Now what we have is a movie with an intermission. But since I got the machine apart anyway, uh... Might as well take a -- just that one last look at it and make sure that... Everything's all -- yeah, yeah. Everything... Everything looks okay. I don't know what that does, so... Might as well take those out of there. Keep it simple -- my motto. And I'll just give her just a little clean-out here. [ clattering ] all right. That should do it. It was no big deal, really. No matter what they make, a microwave oven or a hair dryer, anything like that -- if men make it, men can fix it. So until next time, remember -- if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Oh, wait, there's an eject button. I didn't see that. We'll be right back after these messages, and I'll finish my story. Count on it. Unless I get another attack on ennui. I don't think you will, not on payday. Good point. You know, uh, harold, I was reading there, they got, uh, these atomic bombs now. Well, they've had them for a while. I was gonna mention that, yeah. They won't sell me one. Well, you got no place to keep it. You got to have an atomic warehouse. I wouldn't have it long. It's not like I could store it over a winter or anything. But I'm just trying to figure out, you know, exactly how the bomb works. Now, an atom, apparently it's quite small, and when you break it up, it goes up big. Is that it? Exactly. It explodes because it gets away from itself really quick. It's sort of like a family reunion. A family reunion. Exactly. Everyone just goes, "thank you. Bye-bye." and they leave really quick, and there's a big internal combustion. Okay, but, now, there's a neutron and a proton and an electron. The electron, I believe, is ionizing around the nucleus, and uh... Is that it? Exactly. That's what I thought. And then I think the electron comes in to the -- comes in to the neutron on, say, like, a Friday night. Yeah. And there's a collision there, and the proton... Says he didn't see a thing. No. Exactly. He's not gonna say he saw it. And now the neutron is excited. Yeah. And, of course, what happens next is censored. [ both laugh ] "it is winter. "a car drives past, rushing to somewhere. "the people inside do not feel the glow of the winter sun. "they do not feel the snow on their tongue "or the gentle breeze on their cheeks "or the huge wave of slush that covers me from head to foot "as their car drives past, on its way to an accident, if there's any justice." now, as I was saying, we're, uh, having a real hoot with the talent-show thing. You know, uh, moose thompson did his version of "dirty dancing" with a couple of truck tires and a grease gun, and then old man sedgwick played his musical saw, but he got a little carried away during the "flight of the bumblebee" and ended up cutting the crotch out of his hip waders. He wasn't hurt, though. Close, but no cigar. Is that it, uncle red? Is that the end of the talent-show story? 'cause if it is, we can just go on to the next segment. I mean, you know, if that's it. No, that's not it, harold. I'll tell you when it's finished. Uh-oh. Jeepers, I wish you'd told me that before I pushed this button. Which button? Just a sec. That one. You did that on purpose, harold. Sorry. I had an attack of ennui. Gord: Hi, red. [ laughs ] I thought it was you. Yeah. I recognized the sound of your truck coming up the lane. Oh, yeah. I'm just making some tea. You want some? Orange pekoe, rabbit's foot, tree bark, or moose patty? Well, I think I'll stick with the orange pekoe. Okay, great. I'll give you a hand there. I'll hold this for you. This is great. I'm making tea. Making tea for me and red green. Yeah. I haven't made tea in 38 days. For gosh sake. Well, you know, just wanted to have you tell us about fire safety, 'cause you're kind of the expert in that area. Well, I should be. I've been up here for 13 years. Oh, yeah. 13 long, lonely years. [ sobbing ] no, no, no, no. Here. [ voice breaking ] you know sniffles it wouldn't be so bad if there was a fire now and then, you know? Anything -- a small fire, a controlled burn, an unofficial fireplace log. I don't care! Anything! Oh, you can't mean that, gord. [ normal voice ] no, I guess not. Oh. You kidder, huh? Yeah. [ laughs ] not when it's been as dry as it has been, you know. It hasn't been this dry in the whole time I've been up here. Really? Yeah. Yeah. It's very, very dry. Do you get a lot of lightning up here? Uh, I was wondering about that. You know, lightning. Well, uh, yeah, but it only hits my tower. Yeah, I've got the only metal for 50 square miles around, so any lightning that comes down will go through me. Right here. Yeah. I can't tell you the number of times I've had my eyebrows blown off. I can't remember anything before the age of 14. It's the lightning that did it, I think. Yeah, yeah. Well, could you give our viewers just kind of a safety thing? Like, let's say incident lightning storm. Is there any kind of safety thing? Where should they go in a lightning storm, say, for example? Well, anywhere but this tower. Oh, yeah. And another good safety tip is, when you're lighting a campfire, make sure you unplug the electric charcoal starter. Yeah, yeah. That's very good. Okay. Well, uh, we got to get going, gord, so, uh, we'll see you next time around, eh. You're not going already, are you? Come on! I really have to. You can't go if you haven't had your orange pekoe. I haven't had my moose patty. No. Well, maybe some other time, eh? Oh, you can't go yet! Come on! Well, "where's the fire?" as we say. [ laughs ] [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ what do you see when you look at a tree? ♪ ♪ are you scared of the bark or the way it's all dark? ♪ ♪ what do you see when you look at a tree? ♪ ♪ if you see me standing up to a tree ♪ ♪ don't make a sound till I'm done ♪ uncle red, this is my favorite part of the show, where you answer the viewers' mail, 'cause I get to brush up on my reading skills, and it's an inexpensive production filler. [ laughs ] letter number one. "dear red, we're going moose hunting soon, and I wondered, "'how do you treat a gunshot wound in an emergency situation?'" well, that's interesting. I would have thought any gunshot wound is an emergency situation. Unless maybe you're, uh, shot by a doctor in a hospital. Why -- why would a doctor shoot a patient? I don't know. Maybe some kind of a make-work project. Let's assume that the gunshot wound happened in an open field, if I might interpolate to that of which the viewer has alluded. All right, uh, well, uh, first off, you have to determine where the gunshot wound is. Uh, if it's in the duck or the deer or the moose, well, you don't treat it all, 'cause that's where it's supposed to be. But if it's in one of your hunting companions, then first thing you have to do is stanch the flow. Oh, stanch the flow? That sounds neat. What's that? Uh, stop the bleeding. And then you have to determine, uh, how bad the wound is. So, you might say, like, "how do you feel?" or something? Yeah, yeah. That's right. And if he screams, "I'm dying," this is not good. If me mumbles, "I'm dying," that's actually worse. So, next thing you try to do is move the patient if he can be moved. But if you move him and the leg doesn't move with the body, um, then you really have to rethink the transportation method. Right, right. So, the person and the leg should move together. That would be good. I mean, that would be better, right? That's much better. And then what you do is you get the guy to a hospital, and then you go right back to hunting, because otherwise you'll lose your nerve. Oh, lose your nerve for hunting altogether, you mean? Give it up. Yeah. Yeah. I've seen it happen to guys. Oh, that would be tragic. Well, it's the downside of getting shot. [ film projector clicking ] red: Uh, this week on "adventures with bill," uh, he's gonna show you how to erect, uh... That's a tent, I guess it is. You never know when bill reaches into his pants what he'll find. [ metal pegs clatter ] now, this to me is not -- is not a technique that I think he thought through totally, 'cause those pegs and everything went -- they went all over the place, and we were there for a good two, three days just finding the little attachments that go on the end of the whirligigs there. Anyway, I'm holding the peg, and he's gonna hammer it in, and I think... That hammer looks... Yeah. Uh, I think bill underestimated the softness of the ground at this time of year, and he drilled that baby down a foot and a half, two feet. [ grunting ] but, uh, you know, bill solves his own problems... Oh, yep. ...And solves them in his own way. But, now, what's the deal? Oh, yeah. He wanted me to put this tent up, but it wouldn't reach. I was just gonna stretch it up there, but bill had another plan, and he's resourceful. You got to give him that. [ grunting ] bill's a lot stronger than he smells. Uh, I don't know what exactly that accomplished, but it seemed to make bill happy. And then the two of us kind of got into -- and this is not always good, to be working at opposite ends of a tent. [ grunts ] you need kind of a communication thing happening. He's fine. He's fine. Uh, bill, here -- I got a little suspicious. This didn't look like a normal kind of a tent looked, and I was trying to do my best to help. You know, I'm there as a supporter, really -- and literally, actually, in this case. And then -- well, that can happen. That can happen. And he's wrestling around in there, and, of course, what do you suppose he comes out with? [ clears throat ] the instructions. And I'm under the -- I'm under the -- I'm under the tent there, bill. Oh, great, great. That'll work well. Bill can get scary on you. You know, you got to -- oh, he's a happy guy, isn't he? So, now, since the pole got a little bent, he decides he's gonna tie her to a tree and kind of prop her up that way and -- [ crack ] oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Well, I do appreciate that, bill. Thank you very, very much. Thank you for including me in your life. This is an old indian technique that bill finally resorted to for putting up tents. It's a little tricky, and you got to smoke a really -- smoke a really weird pipe before you can do this, but, uh, you know, I've seen bill do this a few times, and I've never been totally able to figure out, uh, how the heck he does it, 'cause you have to walk funny to make it work real well. Uh, but, uh, this one now. He said he was gonna do a real whoop-dee-whooper here, and look -- throws the lines out. And if you watch him, he kind of flops her in the air a bit. Yeah. Just the belly -- it's kind of a belly flop. It looks like a big bowl of jello tent there. But by golly, she works, doesn't she? And, yeah, he's proud of it. Nice work, bill. So, he's all set there, and, uh, got her all set up. Of course, well, it's time for me to head back to the lodge, so I had to say goodbye to bill there and "see you next time." oh, oh, oh, oh. Sorry, bill. "it is winter. "a little rum in your coffee, "a little whiskey in your tea, "a little alcohol in the car windshield-washer fluid -- that should keep everyone wiped." you know, we've, uh, had some, uh, comments that the show doesn't have much of an edge to it. Well, here's somebody edgy. [ laughs ] okay. Yeah. Hoo. I wonder -- I wonder what the plural to "grilled cheese" is. Anyway, um, household chores. Household chores. The other day, my mom asked me to clean up my room. [ laughs ] yeah. So, anyway, she says, "harold, go clean up your room," right? And I said, "mom, how can you expect me to clean up my room "when it was your generation that destroyed the environment, "created millions of h-bombs and m-bombs and a-bombs, huh? "how about that? "and drugs and open manhole covers "and hatred and greed and intolerance -- "something which I personally cannot stand. "huh, mom? How can you do that? You're not seeing any inconsistencies in this at all?" [ laughs ] you know what? I learned something that day. Actions speak louder than words. 'cause she just, like, clouted me, right? So I raced up to my room, and I swept everything under the bed. [ laughs ] which is okay, 'cause that's where I keep stuff. Grilled chews. Oh, that's neat -- grilled chews. That'd be plural. Okay. Sorry I was wrong about that talent-show story. I know how all excited we are to hear the end of it, so come on back right after these messages. Can I have my paycheck now? Thanks. It's not signed. Sorry. I was having an attack of ennui. You know, so many times, once you get to be an adult, you forget what it was like to be, uh... To be a kid. And you really should, I think, take a little bit of time, spend some time with a child. Good for you, good for the kid, whether it's a neighbor's kid or maybe a nephew that's not like harold or, uh, maybe, you know, just through a stroke of bad luck, you have a kid of your own. Anyway, today I'm gonna spend a little bit of time with one of my good, uh, childish friends here, uh... Max. Max. Uh, max and I are gonna do a little one-on-one on the old basketball, the old hoops, the old hitting the slats, up on the boards, on the... Pretty bad-looking asphalt. So, max, uh... What we're gonna start with here is, uh -- see, 'cause I like to just teach them, too. I don't want to just fool around. This has got some educational, uh -- maxie, you try to defend me there, and now what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna show you some of my moves. Okay, and I'm gonna come in and go for the basket. Are you ready? You ready? Okay. Okay, okay. Ready? Time out. Time out. Yeah. I'm still out. Time's still out. Someone didn't center this hoop. Probably harold. There we go. All right. All right. Time's back in. Okay. Now you try it. See if you can get by me. Okay, come on. Come on. Let's go. Give it a good shot. Hey, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Having a good time? Yeah. Okay. All right, come on. Come on in. Come on. Come on. Now, see, if there was a ref, see, that would be illegal. Get the ball, will you, max? You know, the thing is, I can't tell you how much fun they have. I just wanted to get max out of here for a sec because, you know, they enjoy it so much, and they go home, and they tell all their friends that they spent some time with a -- you know, with a television, uh, personality, I guess you'd call it. You want to get that, max? And to me, it just kind of makes their day. Throw it in here. Throw it in here. Throw it in here. No, no. Max. Uh, put it in my hands, okay? And they get some exercise. They're out in the sunshine. Put it right in here. Yeah, that's it. No, no, no. You're getting closer. And the young leagues -- max, I'm kind of tired. One more. Okay. All right. All right. Oh. Go get that. Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry up. I've got things to do. But if any of you would like to spend some time with a child, go find one, you know? God bless you. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Time out. [ man clears throat ] was that sarcasm there? Well, you know, I don't like to brag, no matter how many opportunities I get to do just that, but I do have to say that the highlight of the talent show had to be harold and I doing our song, and I thought it would be an ideal way to finish off tonight's show, to just do a kind of a repeat performance. Harold, come on over here. Do you have a pen? Yeah. Get over here. So, uh, thanks a lot for watching, and on behalf of harold and myself and the whole gang up at the lodge, keep your stick on the ice. And if my wife is watching, uh, you might want to fire the vcr on and catch this. Put it on that cassette that I'm building up for dick clark. Okay. Now, you got to picture this. We were about halfway through the talent show. Stinky peterson just finished juggling bowling balls and he was on his way to the hospital and everybody's fighting over potato chips and, suddenly, the music begins. Both: ♪ mm ♪ ♪ I'm coming home, I've done my time ♪ ♪ and I want to know if my pet ape is fine ♪ ♪ it's all in my letter ♪ ♪ da da da da, ennui ♪ ♪ simple, little words, all I need to set me free ♪ ♪ that I wrote and told her please ♪ listen to this part. Listen to this part. ♪ tie a yellow gibbon around the old oak tree ♪ ♪ it's been three long years ♪ ♪ how's my pet monkey? ♪ ♪ if I don't see that yellow gibbon ♪ ♪ 'round the old oak tree ♪ ♪ I'll stay on the truck and say... ♪ careful here, harold. Oh, yeah. ♪ and put the blame on me ♪ ♪ if I don't see a yellow gibbon ♪ ♪ 'round the old oak tree ♪